Are you a people pleaser?
Think of all the things you do in your day. Think again. How many of them would you still do, if you were not concerned that it may upset someone, or because you are expected to do, or because you have always done it for them? If you choose any of the three reasons, look closely into the motive and purpose behind your actions. You may not have realized that this is causing you great harm within. When your actions are based on making things right for others all the time, you put yourself at risk of being wronged at your own hands. Either you would be pressed for time to do your own thing, or you might be feeling insufficiently acknowledged among other disheartening experiences resulting from such actions. The danger behind this style you choose is actually quite grave.
Why would you feel compelled to do things which actually inconvenience you?
The answer is rooted deeply into some emotional truths you need to confront. Simply put, you would accept to take such actions when you base your self-worth largely on approval, and fear upsetting others, regardless of the right judgment you would have. It is based on your insecurity about the consequences of not pleasing others. By that you grossly devalue yourself, your time and abilities. They get spent in matters which are not your focus. Instead of satisfaction you feel anxious, since your actions were not from the true feeling of compassion, but an insecurity of rejection and disapproval. One small good deed for another is sufficient to give you a boost. On the contrary, a pretended generosity and favour has no sweet after taste.
The pay-offs are very flimsy and not really worth it if you come to think of it. Surely, those who are able to please others are popular. People like to have them around. They have many friends who look upon them for assistance. Below the surface though, let us face an inconvenient truth that, pleasing people is not the path that leads to their hearts. It is barter actually, and sooner or later, it ceases to be a favourable one. You are aware of the enormous cost you bear for remaining popular, and therefore, you possibly don’t truly enjoy it.
As a result, you feel fatigue. Both, physical, as your energy is surely expended, as well as emotional because, in reality your actions are not fetching a wholesome positive momentum for you in that relationship. Rather, it is putting stress on you and distressing you!
Deep within, people who find themselves caught up with this self-created reputation want to break free but they wonder if it is too late to start, or have too little to lose anyway as they have spent nearly everything in this hollow pursuit.
Here are some simple steps for you:
- Begin by acknowledging your strengths; it will free you from seeking approval. Build your self-esteem
- As a parallel activity, put an end to unnecessary criticism of the self.
- In situations where your needs as an individual are not being met, simply step out.
- Don’t seek praise and recognition in every action. When you do so, you start making room for people-pleasing in order to get a steady supply of the praise and appreciation.
- Don’t make excuses when you need to look into your own need, or feel embarrassed about it.
- Don’t feel stressed to manage your reputation all the time.
As it is commonly said, those who matter will not mind, and those you mind will not matter.
- Become assertive, say no. That alone will pull you out of this habit.
- Confront your deepest fear which sets you in the ‘people-pleasing’ mode.
- Reduce multi-tasking consciously. Since some people can do multiple activities in parallel, they end up trying to do too much for others, unnecessarily.
- Ask for favours yourself. This will help you recognize which are the people you can bank upon. It is always better to help where you are valued, and not help to be valued by them.
Photo Courtesy – quickmeme.com
About The Author
Think Inc. is a leading name in the field of corporate trainings and publication of books on self management, how to keep your family happy, selling & customer service skills.